Standing Beside, Not in Front :Helping Your Kids Do Hard Better
I remember when I went off to college. Full of excitement and a bit of “how will I do this?” but didn’t dare show it. I was the youngest and saw my siblings make this transition so it should be easy, right? For me and my parents, right?
Whether it’s sending your oldest off to first grade or your youngest off to their first year of university, it’s a time of translation for both parents and kids. No matter how many back to school sales you hit or the pep talks about how to navigate these new environments, it never feels like you’ve covered it all. Whether you're trying to figure out school supplies for a seven-year-old or squeezing in a final Target run for twin XL sheets, this season comes with its share of transitions.
And if you’re a parent in a family with means, there’s a particular paradox you may be feeling right now:
You want your kids to be prepared.
You can pave the way.
But deep down… you know they’ll grow more if you don’t.
Kara Lawson, Duke’s women’s basketball coach, said it best: “You have to handle hard better” in this quick, yet powerful video. (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oDzfZOfNki4) But for many parents, the challenge isn’t helping kids find hard things. It’s allowing those hard things to exist when you have the power to make them disappear.
The Invisible Muscle: Resilience
In resource-rich families, struggle is not always visible. And that can be the problem. Resilience is like a muscle. It doesn’t grow without use. And too often, that muscle that they used when they were learning how to walk after falling countless times, quietly atrophies, not because our kids are lazy or entitled, but because we’ve been unintentionally spotting them too much. In my own family I see parents struggle with when, or even if, to step in when their kids struggle.
We call it the Paradox of Protective Wealth: When you have the resources to step in, but the wisdom to know when not to.
So how do you build that invisible muscle?
You allow your child to face three kinds of “hard,” and stand beside them while they do.
1. Relational Hard
Navigating playground politics, teen group texts, or awkward roommate dynamics. Let them sort it out—with your empathy, not interference.
I’ve seen kids come home upset and frustrated when friendships change, especially in adolescence when, let’s be honest, everyone is trying to figure out how to fit in while standing out. The urge to fix it all or offer the “plenty of fish in the sea” platitude provides little comfort.
2. Achievement Hard
Facing a test they’re not prepared for, bombing a tryout, or hitting a creative wall. Let them regroup without fixing it for them.
The older we get, the more competitive the world becomes. What used to be every player having time on the field has shifted to only the better players get game time. Allowing them to figure out their path forward can be a challenge for a parent. Wanting to give advice yet knowing this is their journey is a fine line.
3. Character Hard
Telling the truth when it’s costly. Including someone when it’s unpopular to do so. Holding a boundary. Let them wrestle—with your steady presence, not shortcuts.
Here is where your family values earn their keep. Helping your child, regardless of age, recognize what it looks like to honor a value when it’s hard is where you solidify these in your family. Asking powerful questions rather than giving advice or directions can help them find their way.
“If you were to lean into (this value), what might happen?”
“If you were to neglect (this value), what might that say about you?”
The Consultant Parent: A More Empowering Role
In moments of struggle, most of us default to “fixer” mode.
Roommate drama? Call the dean.
Social friction? Host the party and only invite the “nice” kids
Missed opportunity? Pull strings.
Failure? Fund the next venture.
Workplace challenge: Call the boss or HR to intervene.
But what if, instead, you became a consultant parent—a trusted advisor they actually want to talk to?
Ask: “Do you want my help or just someone to listen?”
Scaffold, don’t solve: “Let’s think through your options together.”
Offer tools, not outcomes: “What have you tried? What might you try next?”
This isn’t about withdrawing support. It’s about redefining it.
Struggle Has Economic Value
When kids grow up knowing problems can be solved with influence or a check, they miss out on developing their own internal economy of decision-making. Struggle teaches them how to:
Prioritize what’s worth fighting for
Innovate when options are limited
Build coalitions of support
Stick with it when things get uncomfortable
Learn how to get back up when life pushes them around
These are lifelong, leadership-level skills—and you can’t buy them. But you can help build them.
What It Looks Like in Real Life
Elementary School
The Issue: Poor grades in math
Old Response: Hire a tutor immediately, blame the teacher
New Response: Let them experience the consequences, and talk through better study systems over pancakes
High School
The Issue: Left out of a friend group
Old Response: Host events to “make it better”
New Response: Teach how to repair, reflect, and create new connections
College or Early Career
The Issue: Internship didn’t pan out
Old Response: Use network to create a better opportunityNew Response: Let them regroup and debrief: “What did you learn? What will you do differently?”
Try This: Your “Stand Beside” Toolkit
The Debrief Method
After something hard, ask:What went well?
What didn’t?
What’s the next experiment?
The Resource Audit
Before offering help, ask:What skills have you used before that would be useful here?
Who’s in your corner?
What’s guiding your choices?
Graduated Challenges
Let challenges grow with them:Grade School: Let them navigate minor conflicts solo
Middle School: Have them email teachers themselves
High School: Give them ownership of the internship hunt
College: Let them live with the late fee
What If They Can’t Handle It?
They might fall. That’s okay. That’s where you get to be the net, not the trampoline. You catch them after they’ve learned something, not before.
Reframing the Long Game
Short-term comfort isn’t the goal. Earned confidence is.
So ask yourself:
“What’s one moment this year when you stood in front of them rather than beside them?
Have you noticed how much harder it is to watch your child struggle than to struggle yourself?
Where would you be if you hadn’t had opportunities of struggle and building resilience?
We are all learning as we go. And if no one has told you recently, you are doing a great job. Even the fact that you are reading this means you care deeply and want to be better at this thing called parenthood. That’s what your kids will remember: continued improvement and having their back, even when that meant not fixing things.
