Navigating the Phone Dilemma Part 2
In two years our daughter will turn 13, the age that we’ve decided (in our family) is the age at which our children can have their own phone. When that time comes, we will introduce her to it thoughtfully. We’ll create a phone contract together as we did with her older siblings.
A phone contract, much like a car contract for a new driver, is a written agreement that parents and children co-create. We’ve chosen to use the term "contract" instead of "agreement" for phones and cars because these privileges involve powerful tools that can endanger the user and others if not handled responsibly and within set boundaries.
It outlines expectations, responsibilities, and consequences and is signed and dated before handing over the phone. Here's what a phone contract can include:
Safety Rules: why having a phone brings risks and how to limit those
Screen-time limits: agreed-upon boundaries on screen time and usage
Family Rules: details tailored to our family’s values and lifestyle
Behaviors, attitudes, etc, that could result in the loss of screen time or phone use
Key Areas to Cover in a Phone Contract:
Safety Rules:
What are the guidelines for sharing personal photos, personal information, or locations?
Will parents be in charge of privacy settings, and what does that look like?
How do we handle interactions with people the child may not know?
Who should the child ask before downloading a new app, and what will that look like?
How will our child respond to inappropriate or threatening messages, posts, or texts?
Who will that child come to if something feels uncomfortable or makes them afraid?
What is the plan for addressing online threats or bullying?
Screen time limits and boundaries:
Where should the phone be kept during school hours?
How much screen time per day will the child be allowed?
Can more screen time be requested on certain apps or not?
At what time do we agree that the phone is turned off or docked before bed?
Where will the phone “live” overnight?
If there are concerns about use at school, how will they be resolved?
When will parents view what is on the phone, and how will issues be resolved?
Who will have access to their phone? Are they allowed to share their phone with their friends?
Where will the phone be kept once the child is a driver?
As a driver, what will phone use look like for them and their passengers?
Family rules:
How will phone use reflect our values and lifestyle?
Should calls or texts from parents and caregivers always be prioritized and answered?
Should phones be left at home during family events, church, when visiting grandparents or friends?
Are phones put down when having an in-person conversation in our family?
Does the child understand that the phone is a privilege that can be taken away if rules are broken or concerns are flagged by family or others?
What specific apps, social media platforms, and video games are off-limits?
Behaviors and attitudes that could result in the phone being taken away:
What if your child’s phone is used to spread mean rumors or hurtful texts?
What are the expected standards for online behavior, such as refraining from posting or sharing anything they wouldn’t say in person (or to their Grandma)?
What agreements need to be in place about asking permission before sharing others photos or information about them?
What steps will be taken to address any behavioral issues (ex: step 1. discuss together/warning, step 2 removal of phone for 24 hours, etc.)
What requirements for grades, homework, chores, music practice, etc. must be met for them to continue to have the privilege of a phone?
If the child makes a mistake on their screen, who can they ask for help so it can be fixed together?
How do we ensure phone use doesn’t negatively affect relationships with parents and siblings?
What behaviors and attitudes might require a break from phone use?
Adapting Over Time
A phone contract or agreement is not a one-and-done document. It’s a living agreement that can be revisited and adjusted as children grow and circumstances change. Having an open conversation as different needs and unforeseen situations arise is part of it, too. Regular conversations about expectations and challenges help keep the dialogue open.
We’ve also found it helpful to connect with other parents. Sharing ideas, values, and strategies for managing kids’ phone use can provide invaluable support. What agreements and boundaries are other families creating with their kids around cell phones? Parenting in the digital age is no small task, but a strong network of like-minded families can make it easier.
Need a Starting Point?
There are plenty of examples online to help you craft a phone contract or agreement tailored to your family. One resource is Laura Markham’s Cell Phone Agreement. You can find a downloadable template at the link below to customize it for your own needs:
Laura Markham’s Cell Phone Agreement
By taking the time to create clear agreements, we can give our children the tools they need to use their phones responsibly, fostering safety, trust, and open communication in the process.
