Navigating the Phone Dilemma Part 1
“Mom,” my 11-year-old daughter Eden says, eyes pleading, “ALL the kids at school have a phone. Pleeeaaase can I get one?”
“Oh, Eden,” I reply, “you know that in our house, just like it was for your older siblings, the age for a phone is 13.”
Six years ago, when our now-19-year-old son asked the same question, my husband and I decided that 13 was the age for getting a phone. We considered various factors, knowing it would set a precedent for our four children. Your family may have landed on a different decision, as no two families are alike. Jobs, schedules, values, and priorities all play into these choices.
For most parents today, screens and their responsible use are among the biggest challenges we face, and it’s one that’s here to stay. This makes it essential to think through the boundaries we set for screens in our homes—for both ourselves and our children.
Key Questions to Consider
In addition to deciding on the right age for a phone, there are other questions to consider:
What type of phone is appropriate? A smartphone with internet, a basic phone, or a watch for limited communication?
What apps or social media will be allowed, and which are off-limits?
How much time will they be allowed, and how will screen time limits be enforced?
How will you handle changing technology and features that make staying updated a challenge?
If you are not ready for them to have a phone yet, at what age are you willing to discuss this as an option for your family?
Each question requires thoughtful choices, and the landscape continues to shift as technology advances. It's natural to feel overwhelmed, but remember: you’re not alone!
Building a Support Network
One of the most powerful resources in navigating this decision is often the most overlooked: your community. Talking with other parents about their decisions and boundaries on phone and screen use can be incredibly valuable.
Addressing Peer Pressure.
Children, like Eden, often say “Everyone” has a phone, but have we checked in with other parents? Reaching out to other parents helps you understand what they’re really doing and how they’re approaching this issue.
Benefits of a Community Approach.
Building a network of like-minded parents can ease the burden of navigating screen boundaries alone. If your child’s friends have parents with similar rules and values around phones, your child is less likely to feel left out or isolated by restrictions. Having shared standards helps to reduce conflict and resistance. What are the devices other parents are buying for their kids? How much time are they allowing their children to spend on screens? What games and apps are off limits or okay?
Expanding Support Beyond Screen Time
Establishing a community with shared values goes beyond screen time; it can support your family on other topics like:
Driving and curfews
Rules around dating
Expectations for behavior and accountability
When parents align on guidelines, teens experience more consistency, which helps them make better choices.
Preparing for the Next Milestone
In two years, when Eden reaches the age we’ve set for a phone, we’ll introduce her to it thoughtfully. We’ll create a contract together, outlining responsibilities and privileges, and include specific screen time rules that work for our family.
In Part 2 of Navigating the Phone Dilemma, we will look at phone contracts and questions to consider when building a contract with your child.
Resources:
Wait Until 8th Grade Movement
Managing Screen Time-Dr. Laura Markham https://www.peacefulparenthappykids.com/read/managing-screentime
